I want to apologise to my body.

I want to say sorry, for all the times I called you fat, gross and disgusting.

I want to say sorry, for all the times I stared at you in the mirror, pinching at all the parts that I wanted to get rid of.

I want to say sorry for all the times I wished I could cut pieces of you off, for all the times I believed that I would love you more if there was less of you.

I want to apologise for all the times I didn’t feed you out of spite. I want to apologise for all the times I force food in you, past the point of comfort and driven by self-hatred. I want to apologise for all the times I forced you to be sick, so I could do my best to get rid of that self-disgust. 

I’m so sorry for the times I pushed you past your limit, and for the times I didn’t listen to you begging me to rest. I’m sorry I put you through an ongoing rollercoaster of starve, over-exercise, binge, over-exercise. It has been a long time since we’ve been there, but I haven’t forgotten.

I haven’t forgotten how despite all of the above, you’ve still been there for me.

Despite all of the above, you still let me experience the joy of being in my body: feeling the sun on my skin, the breeze lifting the hairs of my arms up into spikes. The feeling of hugging my loved ones, of being cuddled, of feeling warm under a blanket.

The feeling of being strong, empowered, and attuned to my needs now. The feeling of knowing that despite it all, I am healthy, I am well, I am able to do what I want.

I’m sorry that for so long I chose to hate you; and I’m so thankful that you never gave up on me.