Have you ever sat there and wondered, “if I’m such a perfectionist, WHY on earth can I not apply this perfectionism to my health and fitness goals?”? Because, SAME!

Honestly, it used to baffle me how I could be so on the money with everything else in my life, but when it came to following my super strict exercise and nutrition plan, I couldn’t seem to stick to it for more than 5 days without binge-eating and/or binning off the gym for a few days, before returning to square one in complete and utter frustration, and starting again. This was my life in 2017 when I was hell-bent on losing weight, and yet interestingly I experienced a similar pattern in 2022 in the opposite direction, when I couldn’t stick to my goals of reduced exercise and extra food when I realised my menstrual cycle had gone MIA from pushing myself too much.

Of course now, time and experience (and a lot of personal therapy) have taught me that perfectionism and self-sabotage are paradoxically linked, and that this “chicken and egg” situation actually stems from having perfectionistic tendencies in the first place.

Perfectionism: a double-edged sword

Most of us who identify as perfectionists will describe it as a double-edged sword: often, perfectionism is the thing that we attribute a lot of our successes to (e.g., I wouldn’t have worked as hard if I hadn’t been so perfectionistic), but also a lot of our distress to (e.g., I’m my own worst enemy).

This is because perfectionism isn’t unidimensional, and can actually be sub-categorised into two different types:

• Perfectionistic striving, on the one hand, relates to the inner drive to be the best you can be because you want to excel, do yourself proud, and it feels good to do so.
• Perfectionistic concern, on the other hand, relates to the inner drive to avoid failing because you’re afraid of how others might perceive you or how it might affect your self-esteem.

It’s perhaps obvious then that the latter form of perfectionism can become quite unhelpful in the long term. As far as health-related behaviour change is concerned, a perfectionistic concern for improving your health will often lead to the development of rigid rules that must be followed, as the consequence of not doing so has an impact on how you perceive yourself and how you fear other people perceive you too.

How is this linked to self-sabotage?

When perfectionism comes from a place of failure avoidance because the consequence of failure threatens your self-esteem, failure becomes intolerable. It is as if the perfectionist part of your mind cannot cope with even the smallest of infractions, and is unwilling to compromise. And because failure is so intolerable, it’s easier to avoid and ignore every single rule, because acknowledging a failure to be perfect in following the rules is unbearable and incompatible with your perfectionistic sense of self.

I know these might seem like strong words, but let me give you an example:

Let’s suppose you’re trying to lose weight for the millionth time in your life. You’ve recognised that you have no control around biscuits, so you commit yourself to cutting them out completely. This should be easy – you like control, you like being perfect, so your mind is at ease with this rule: if I stop eating biscuits, I will lose weight.

So you stop buying biscuits, and tadaah – you start losing weight! Excellent.

But then, as life happens, you might go out for coffee and be given a biscuit with your drink. And then you have it because it’s there, but the minute that it passes your mouth, the perfectionist voice inside of your head sounds the alarm: A BISCUIT! YOU ATE A BISCUIT! YOU HAVE BROKEN THE RULES! YOU’VE FAILED! NOW WHAT? YOU CAN’T EVEN FOLLOW ONE SIMPLE RULE. YOU’LL NEVER SUCCEED.

And suddenly, you realise that you have indeed steered away from being perfect: and because adjusting your sense of self to integrate the idea that you might not be perfect is too much (because e.g., if I’m not a perfectionist, I will become lazy), it becomes easier to completely avoid or numb out to the perfectionist voice inside of you, and go completely the other way by sabotaging yourself.

Sometimes it even serves the purpose of confirming the perfectionist self’s worst fears, that you are in fact uncontrollable, and thus reinforces the function of the perfectionistic self’s concerns: rigid rules that must not be broken OR ELSE…

And so then you continue to try to be even more perfect with your rule following, only to inevitably commit infraction after infraction, and end up tangled up in a negative self-sabotage loop.

Get out of my head, Clara

If the above situation feels relatable – whether it’s biscuits, or anything else (too little/too much exercise, too little/too much food) – then let me reassure you by saying that it’s not your fault and that you’re not alone.

The key to breaking the cycle is often to intercept it with a radically different response: self-compassion. But this requires patience and perseverance, as breaking the cycle is hard. Which is why I help clients with this every week, and I could help you too.

To find out how I could help you, fill out a contact form on the website and let’s chat!